THREE WOMEN & I -
KEN HAZELDINE
An excerpt from Ken's article exploring the women & relationships that have changed his life....
Judie: Everything
I have been married to Judie for 22 years now. She is my carer, mentor, lifeline: she is virtually everything. The thought of having to get by without her chills me to the bone.
People disabled by illness or injury tend to become a bit self-obsessive, and the expectations they have of their partners can be overwhelming. I have heard horrific stories of other couples ending up in divorce courts, living separate lives in the same house, even coming to blows. A rather chilling statistic revealed that over 60% of marriages affected by brain injury actually break down. Looking at it from the partners' side, they often welcome a stranger come back into their home, and have no idea if they'll ever see the person they first fell in love with again. I watched a documentary recently where a stroke survivor became infatuated by the white van he had used in his career as a joiner... his wife's best comment was "He loves that white van more than he loves me!"
My own marriage, so far, seems to have survived. One thing happened a while ago between Judie and myself which, although traumatic, brought us closer together. We were tidying up garden waste and throwing it into a large wheelie bin. I was getting concerned that we weren't going to get everything in and had what I thought was an ingenious idea. Then I made a rather stupid mistake. I climbed into the bin and tried to tread down what was inside. Judie ran over to support the bin in an attempt to avoid exactly what happened next. Somehow I lost my balance and both the bin and I fell on top of her, breaking her leg. We were both lying flat on our backs on the patio, and the first thing she said to me, in severe pain from her leg was, "Did you fall on your head?" Considerate to the last.
Although I would not suggest that other couples try this, it does seem to have changed things between us for the better. Having spent the previous couple of years exclusively as the "cared for" I suddenly became the carer too. The goalposts were completely moved, and my expectations of her had moved as well. This reality seems to have cleared the air. I wouldn't be so foolhardy to assume that everything between us will be rosy from now on, but I live in hope....
Judie: Everything
I have been married to Judie for 22 years now. She is my carer, mentor, lifeline: she is virtually everything. The thought of having to get by without her chills me to the bone.
People disabled by illness or injury tend to become a bit self-obsessive, and the expectations they have of their partners can be overwhelming. I have heard horrific stories of other couples ending up in divorce courts, living separate lives in the same house, even coming to blows. A rather chilling statistic revealed that over 60% of marriages affected by brain injury actually break down. Looking at it from the partners' side, they often welcome a stranger come back into their home, and have no idea if they'll ever see the person they first fell in love with again. I watched a documentary recently where a stroke survivor became infatuated by the white van he had used in his career as a joiner... his wife's best comment was "He loves that white van more than he loves me!"
My own marriage, so far, seems to have survived. One thing happened a while ago between Judie and myself which, although traumatic, brought us closer together. We were tidying up garden waste and throwing it into a large wheelie bin. I was getting concerned that we weren't going to get everything in and had what I thought was an ingenious idea. Then I made a rather stupid mistake. I climbed into the bin and tried to tread down what was inside. Judie ran over to support the bin in an attempt to avoid exactly what happened next. Somehow I lost my balance and both the bin and I fell on top of her, breaking her leg. We were both lying flat on our backs on the patio, and the first thing she said to me, in severe pain from her leg was, "Did you fall on your head?" Considerate to the last.
Although I would not suggest that other couples try this, it does seem to have changed things between us for the better. Having spent the previous couple of years exclusively as the "cared for" I suddenly became the carer too. The goalposts were completely moved, and my expectations of her had moved as well. This reality seems to have cleared the air. I wouldn't be so foolhardy to assume that everything between us will be rosy from now on, but I live in hope....